Sunday 21 June 2020

Day 97 of self-isolation - a retrospective


Three months ago, before the official lockdown started, I thought about what it would be like  after 100 days. So I wrote this piece.

It turned out to be not nearly as bad as I thought. We didn't have to eat next door's cat (although I haven't seen it for a suspiciously long time), and we were OK for toilet paper, because we bought a shedload a year ago in the run up to Brexit on March 29, 2019. Also, we get food deliveries from Waitrose, and the local pharmacist delivers our drugs.

What I hadn't predicted, of course, was the catalogue of blunders perpetrated by our government. Who could have predicted that B S Johnson would sashay into a hospital, swap germs with everyone, and come out infected with Covid-19?

By the way, B S doesn't stand for what you think it stands for. He's a character in Discworld.

Day 97 of isolation

It was a very good day today.

I finally trapped next door's cat, so we killed and skinned it and Ladysolly made a stew with this and the last of the cardboard that we're been living on recently. Delicious!

It was my turn to collect leaves from the trees in the garden. They're starting to look a bit bare, but needs must, because we ran out of toilet paper weeks ago.

More good news - there's plenty of grass. Yes, I know what you're thinking, humans can't digest grass. But I have a cunning plan. Cows don't really digest grass, they ferment it on one of their stomachs, and get the nutrients that way. So that's what I'll do. I cleaned out one of the plastic dustbins and stuffed it full of grass cuttings. Then I topped it up with hot water, and added yeast. It should be ready to eat in a week or so. Meanwhile, I've been thinking about the boots.

Some of my boots are real leather, and leather is edible, although a bit tough. But anything gets tender if you cook it right, so I'll cut one up and put it in the pressure cooker at 50 pounds of pressure, give it an hour, add salt and pepper and it should see is through until the grass is ready.

When, oh when will this all end?


  1. Where did you get the yeast to ferment the grass? ;)

  2. Yeast is used in baking and in brewing. Every home brewer has yeast. You can get it from any large Boots.