I just checked my email, and I seem to have received an email that was sent from a parallel world.
Dear Labour Party Member,
As you know, the Tory-owned media are perpetrating the hoax of a so-called epidemic. This scaremongering is being done to discredit your Labour Government, after our smashing victory in the elections last December which reduced the Tory Party to smoking rubble.
The truth is that there is a mild flu-like virus making the rounds, similar to last year and every other year. We have increased funding to our NHS by £350 million per week, and this will easily cope with any additional requirements. Don't listen to the panicking calls from the Tory Press or the biassed BBC.
Reports of each case of the so-called "Tory Coronavirus" are being sent to the Central Committee for evaluation and are being dealt with strictly in turn, as is only right and proper, and if any individual is found to be afflicted with the so-called "Tory Coronavirus" they will be suspended from the Labour party after due process, for a period not to exceed three weeks.
Rumours are being deliberately spread by the Tory Press that there is a backlog of cases. This is completely untrue. There is no backlog, and the backlog is only 17,839 cases. A report is under preparation that will show, beyond any possible shadow of doubt, that our Labour Party is not suffering from institutional so-called "Tory Coronavirus", and although there might have been one or two infected cases, these are always dealt with swiftly and effectively by our normal mechanisms. Any promotion to the House of Lords will be completely unrelated to this report.
This so-called "Troy Coronavirus" is obviously for the few, not the many, and if we all stay calm and carry on regardless, remembering the Spirit of the Tolpuddle Martyrs, we'll be able to put this minor blip behind us within a year or two, although obviously the effects of the Tory Brexit will have substantial depressive effects on the economy, which we will do our best to ameliorate, even though the biased LBC will claim that the cause is the so-called "Tory Coronavirus".
Next May, we will be holding a meeting of the Labour Party National Executive on whether to close down our schools in order to slow the spread of the so-called "Tory Coronavirus", and we have tentatively pencilled in a session of the Labour Party in Conference next September to decide whether British pubs and clubs should also be closed. So you can see that your Labour Party is working at top speed to protect you, the British Proletariat.
Keep calm and carry on!
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