Election special

So what will the parties do now? I've peered into my crystal ball, and although the future is murky, some revelations have been vouchsafed to me.

1. Conservatives. "Cuts" and "austerity" will continue, and the tories will continue to fail to point out that these "cuts" are actually "increases but not as much as some people would like" and "austerity" is a complete nonsense, Austerity is when clothing, furniture, sweets and bread are rationed. We will be burdened with the EC referendum, which will cause business uncertainty and loss of investment, until eventually Cameron claims "Success in renegotiation" (which he'll do irrespective of what the outcome is) and we'll all vote to remain sane.

2. Labour. Bye Bye Miliband. Then the party will look at "why did we fail", and the answer is "SNP". So what can we do to recover Scotland? And the answer is SNP-like policies. In other words, a lurch to the left, which is what Labour often does after a loss.

3. SNP. The once-in-a-generation secession referendum will be repeated in a year or two, this time the vote will be to leave, and the rest of the UK will heave a big sigh of relief as we stop subsidising those north of the border.

4. Libdems. Who? It was inevitable that they'd lose big. Clegg took a big gamble. He traded a referendum on STV (which, by the way, was the wrong system to go for, he should have stuck out for proportional) which he thought would give minor parties a bigger say into the long term future. But he didn't get STV, the referendum said "no". In return, he had to give "You can't trust lib-dem promises", in particular on university fees, and that was fatal.

5. UKIP. Toodle-oo Nigel, one of the few voices of sanity in the party. It will now become the party of swivel-eyed loons and anyone who wants to propose lunatic policies or irrational views will dominate the party. So it's goodnight to UKIP.

6. Greens. Surprisingly, they retained their single seat in Brighton. Surprising, because Brighton, under control of a Green council, has fallen into omnishambles. But only one.

7. Plaid Cymru. No change at three seats. But they must be very encouraged by the SNP result.

8. Respect party. George Galloway lost his seat. Hurrah!

9. Official Monster Raving Loony Party. No change. You can stand for election by putting up a £500 deposit, which you get back if you poll 5% of the votes (you probably won't). That actually sounds quite attractive, and since there was, sadly, no OMRLP candidate in my area, I'm very tempted to put myself forward next election. £500 for three weeks of fun sounds like a good deal.