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Monday, 19 May 2014

Father of the bride speech

First, you should see how Rowan Atkinson did it.

And here's the speech I gave at the occasion of Angela's wedding.


Ladies and Gentlemen, and friends of my daughter, welcome.

I first met Angela, also known as daughter.2, or Mrs Silverspoonlondon as she calls herself, when she was quite small. About that small <hands up and down> - just-like-that. No, no, like that <hands side by side>. I wanted to show you a video of her being born, but Susan explained all the horrible things that will happen to me if I do, so you'll have to make do with just the sound effects. <grunt> <panting> <pop>. It was easy. I helped with the grunting.

She was a difficult baby. Sleep didn't come easily to her; many's the night that Susan and I bickered over whose turn it was to "deal with that screaming baby". It was often Susan's turn.<turn to Susan to listen, “what?”> I stand corrected, it was always Susan's turn

When she was two, she discovered computers. Well, she discovered the IBM computer that we had then and a game called "Butterflies". So she now has nearly 30 years of experience, and if you have any computer problems, anything at all, go to her. Not me. Not me!

Her sister's name is Jennifer, alias daughter.1 (naming children doesn't have to be difficult). Jenny discovered Angie when Angie was just a few weeks old, and immediately worked out what she was. "Baby", she said, "Baby!". Angela's first word, by the way, was "shoes", and I have to warn Charles that he'll have to blindfold her every time you pass a shoe shop.

So .1 and .2, only 17 months apart, were almost like twin sisters. I say "almost", because I don't think twins fight as much as those two did. But they used to play together. I remember, when they were seven and eight hearing something going on in a spare room; I crept to the door and looked in; they had all their Care Bears and My Little Ponies assembled in a circle, and I think one of the Bears was marrying one of the Ponies.

Six < drink water> ... Six Care Bears and six My Little Ponies, all in a circle.

We took them on a cruise when they were 13 and 14. The great thing about cruises, is that you can just forget about your children. You know they're on the ship somewhere, and you don't care where. And on the cruise, you get a thing called the "captain's reception", where the champagne is free. And, theoretically, unlimited. Angie tested that theory, in a spirit of scientific investigation, and that was the first time she got totally wasted on champagne. You can find other places that offer unlimited free champagne if you read her blog, silverspoonlondon. Silver (point to Charles) spoon (wave a spoon) London (point all round).

For an occasion <drink water> ... For an occasion like this there's a tradition that you relate embarrassing incidents from the life of the person in the white dress over there with an nervous grin on her face.

When she went to Center Parc, we thought "she's gone, we can relax for a few days". Then the phone call came "I can't stand it here, take me home". So we had to motor two hundred miles to rescue her from the living hell of a fully furnished cabin with all mod cons, in a wood.

We thought that when she went to university, independence at last! But a phone call came at 1am, reminding us of all the 1 am times she'd woken us up with "Want a Dink". But this time, it was a complicated story that I still don't really understand (remember, I'd just been woken up at 1am) involving a friend and a lost key and a desperate requirement that we motor 200 miles to Leamington Spa with a spare key to let her in. I remember watching dawn come up as we motored home on the M40, and a very spectacular dawn it was.

So now she's married. To Charles. And so she's not my problem any more. I asked Charles if he'd look after her family. He said "No." "I'll look after Angie, the other 250 people here today have to look after themselves".

I'm glad to say that Charles and Angie will be living in Victoria, so that when the 1am call comes, and I feel sure that it will, it'll only be 30 miles to travel and Susan remembers how to change a nappy.

Who would have thought that our little baby would grow up into such a beautiful and clever woman? But I've been lucky twice; Angie and Jenny. No, actually, it isn't luck. Here's how you get two beautiful and clever daughters. You marry a beautiful and clever woman. Susan!

I would like to propose a toast to the caterers.

Oh, and to the bride and groom. THE BRIDE AND GROOM!

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